I attended a reunion of sorts this past weekend. A small group of us who many years ago traveled together to Africa made a plan to meet at a central point in Ohio. With this group location has never mattered. The laughter never stops no matter where we happen to meet; Nairobi or Toledo, Ohio!
Some of us have gotten together in recent years, but one friend, Susan, had not joined us in about 8 years ago. Her work and family schedule had not allowed the travel. This time, she was coming and we were very excited!
In advance of our little get-together, Susan felt compelled to email the host of our gathering to tell her this. “Don’t be shocked when you see me. I’ve changed a lot in 8 years. I have gained weight”. To which our host replied back, “Who hasn’t? Can’t wait to see you!”
How many of us have considered or actually felt compelled to warn people about a weight gain…as if to say “I’m coming but there is something terribly wrong with me. I’m not as worthy of your friendship as I used to be because I have gained weight, and you should know that, in advance”. Of course, mostly, we warn others hoping that [private_membership circle]telling them, ahead of time, might help alleviate some of our shame and anxiety as we anticipate that very first moment when we arrive and our shame will be seen by all.
And how many of us have anxiously and creatively made excuses NOT to attend social events because we’d put on weight since the last time we’d seen certain people? I can’t even count how many potential adventures and wonderful times I’ve turned down and missed because I felt shame, or just felt not “good enough”, or because I “felt fat”… or, was in fact, fatter.
It was wonderful seeing Susan again! Turns out she has been through a lot in recent years. She discovered her husband of 20 years, father of their two children and loving stepfather to her child from her 1st marriage, had been cheating on her for many years, most recently with a neighbor. We laughed, we cried, we said her life sounded like an episode of Desperate Housewives. No one cared that we were all fatter than we had been in our 20, 30, or 40’s. (There’s a fat activist named Marilyn Wann, who wrote a book called FAT! SO? That title was a perfect battle cry for this weekend, FAT? SO WHAT? Who cared? )
We had a blast! We decided to meet again in October, in Chicago, to celebrate my birthday, and we’re going to make this an annual trip. FAT! SO?
Honestly, I can’t say I no longer think about my size in relation to seeing others. When a social opportunity arises, I still have that moment when I do a body check. Old habits die hard! But it’s just a moment. I’m pleased to say that these days I never let what I weigh or don’t weigh stop me from accepting any invitations that I want to accept. No more missing out on living my life and on spending times with wonderful friends! What a relief!
Wasn’t there a recent commercial that ended with the tag line, “Now, this is Living!”? That’s how I felt this weekend; fully alive and very happy. I finally get it. What I weigh is not at all relevant to being the person I am!
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Ellen Shuman is a Life Coach who specializes in empowering people who are working on emotional and binge eating recovery. She is the founder of A Weigh Out & Acoria Eating Disorder Treatment, President of the Binge Eating Disorder Association (BEDA), and Co-Chair of the Academy for Eating Disorders Special Interest Group on “Health at Every Size”, ellen@aweighout.com
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