I woke up very early this morning and immediately knew today I was at risk for binge eating. I was feeling that antsy, anxious, “it’s just a matter of time before I give in and eat” feeling. It’s a feeling we emotional eaters feel everywhere in our body. It’s a palpable state of risk that every binge eater knows well!
The food thoughts had started…
I asked myself my usual questions,
“What am I asking the food thoughts and the food to do for me?”
“Why am I feeling at risk right now ?”
The answers to those questions are not always obvious but today I knew.
Today is the [private_membership circle]one year anniversary of my dog Maggie’s death and I woke up determined to avoid feeling sad; determined not to feel anything. I had too much to do today to allow myself to indulge in sadness. I told myself I should be happy, grateful because Maggie was in my life for almost 15 years. That’s a long time to share with a big dog. Big dogs don’t typically live that long, I told myself… and on and on and on…
I have a long history of trying to avoid, stuff feelings…and as a result, I’ve had a long history of binge eating!
As today approached, I’d told myself, ” I shouldn’t still feel so sad a year later” (or still feel guilty, as I put Maggie to sleep). Hadn’t I put my sadness away months ago? So I thought, so I said.
But today, on the first anniversary of her death, my sadness was back and that sadness needed some acknowledgment …or I just knew I was going to binge.
What I needed was a good cry. I knew if I had a good cry, my need to binge, to stuff my feelings, would go away. So, I grabbed several of my favorite framed pictures of Maggie, from different rooms in my house, along with my camera which contained the very last shots I took of her days before she died; looking tired and worn and in pain. I knew there was even a picture of her struggling to stand.
I sat in a chair, looked at all the pictures …and remembered her; from her wild puppy days to the expressive, wickedly smart, independent, fiercely protective companion she grew to be, by my side through thick and thin. And I cried. Not big sobbing tears…just gentle, sad, loving tears…full of gratitude. I adored her and she adored me!
I felt what I needed to feel…and my food thoughts just stopped. They just went away. Food thoughts were no longer needed. When I allow myself to feel, I don’t need to use thoughts of food or a binge to avoid uncomfortable thoughts and feelings.
I love you Maggie! Wherever you are, I hope you know that…
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Ellen Shuman is a Life Coach who specializes in empowering people who are working on emotional and binge eating recovery. She is the founder of A Weigh Out & Acoria Eating Disorder Treatment, Immediate Past President of the Binge Eating Disorder Association (BEDA), and Co-Founder of the Academy for Eating Disorders Special Interest Group on “Health at Every Size”, ellen@aweighout.com
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