Question from a Circle Member:
“One of the challenges I find myself facing lately is shame. I have dropped the scale, weighing and measuring (unless it is for a recipe) and counting the calories from my repertoire. I am doing my best to focus on hunger queues. I recognize there are times that I eat to work through emotions and I am on a constant learning cycle to lessen those eating times. While I can look back and recognize I have come far in my mindfulness there are still plenty of moments where I am choosing food when I am not hungry. As a result I am finding my early mornings very difficult. I wake up before the alarm and lie in bed thinking negative thoughts about myself and the choices I have made to soothe my emotions through food. Ultimately I would like to just fall back to sleep but I find my head uses this time to berate and shame myself for choices I made the day before or choices I’ve been making for the last week/month so on. I definitely don’t want to continue this pattern- any thoughts on how to diminish the negativity?”
Response from A Weigh Out Circle Contributors-The Diet Survivor Sisters:
The antidote to shame is [private_membership circle]compassion! It sounds like you’ve made many wonderful steps toward becoming an attuned/intuitive eater, and it’s great that you can remind yourself of those successes.
Keep in mind that when you are eating for emotional reasons, you are trying to help yourself, not hurt yourself. In a moment of distress you are actually trying to do something to soothe your pain, and reaching for food is an understandable choice. After all, food is the way we were calmed when we came into this world, so it’s as if you are reaching back in time to be nurtured. Also, there are much more destructive ways people try to manage emotions – drugs, alcohol, gambling, to name a few. We don’t want to diminish how upsetting it is for you when you turn to food; at the same time, keep perspective that you are trying very hard to work your way out of a pattern that has helped you in one way, but hurts you in other ways.
Here are a few suggestions:
When the negative thoughts begin, tell yourself gently to stop. After all, negative thoughts never lead to positive change. Try to replace the thought with a different one that is more compassionate, such as “I’m doing the best that I can to take care of myself.
Move away from all or nothing thinking and remind yourself that although you feel disappointed that you still need to turn to food sometimes when you’re not physically hungry, you have also collected many experiences where eating has become a mindful experience. Or, consider thinking about something you’re looking forward to in your day. Try to stay present with yourself, rather than looking back at what you “could have” or “should have” done.
You might also use a visualization to help you through this early morning time. Keep you eyes closed and imagine a place where you feel very relaxed – perhaps somewhere you’ve traveled on vacation or another place that feels safe and calming to you. Remember that you can go there whenever you begin to feel the distress of your negative thoughts.
Experiment with getting out of bed and beginning your day. What else might feel satisfying to you in that moment? Perhaps lingering longer over some coffee or tea with a morning newspaper, or reading a satisfying novel will allow you to have a relaxing morning while moving away from your negative thoughts.
You might also ask yourself what purpose these thoughts have. In other words, if you weren’t focusing on the negative self-talk (and you still were still lying awake in bed…) what else would be on your mind? For example, maybe there’s a meeting you’re anxious about, and yelling at yourself distracts you from what is really bothering you. Or, perhaps you are seeing a friend who has let you down, and you are worried about how you will let her know. Is it possible that when you yell at yourself about your emotional eating, there is something else about yourself that feels upsetting? Think of yourself as a detective and stay curious about what else might be going on in the morning.
The most important piece of advice we can offer is to let go of the shame! Instead, become curious and open, and find an internal voice that stays compassionate as you work your way through this next stage of your journey.
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Eat well! Live well! Be well! Judith Matz and Ellen Frankel, are co-authors of The Diet Survivor’s Handbook, Beyond a Shadow of a Diet www.dietsurvivors.com Chicago Center for Overcoming Overeating: 847.267.1200
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