Some (not all) of the people I coach who have signficant others have an added stress. In the particular relationships that come to my mind as I write this, most often it’s a husband who wants his wife to be skinny. Wives tell me their husbands say things like, “I just don’t find you attractive at this weight.” Some say ,”I just don’t think it’s healthy to be this overweight”, but the wives still believe it’s mainly about appearance…or at least it feels that way to them.
By encouraging their wives to diet and to write down what they eat, most of these husbands genuinely believe they’re being helpful. I know this to be true because I have had conversations with a few of them (some have accepted invitation to come to a joint coaching session). What I’ve learned is that some of the wives send mixed messages…they allow or encourage their husband’s involvement, thinking it will help them stay on track because they, too, want to be thin. Or they allow it because they feel shame…or they fear they will lose their husband if they don’t agree. Regardless, they often deeply resent the intrusion and the overt or covert messages that they must be thinner for their partners to be attracted to them and to love then completely.
With her permission, I want to share how one of my clients masterfully handled this challenge. She sent the following to me in prep for a coaching session. [private_membership circle]
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“My husband and I have been in a funk the past couple of weeks. We’ve had a few fights about where I am at on this journey. It started because he asked me, while we were running together, if I haven’t been very hungry at dinner recently because I have been eating junk food earlier in the day and just not writing it down. I told him I had in fact relapsed some. He gets so upset because he feels lied to. We have had heated conversations off and on since then. But honestly I think I’m in a better place because of it. It frustrated me so much that he gets angry. I take it personally because I feel like he wants me skinny and I don’t like that. I feel like he is trying to control the situation and me. The more I feel all of that, I’m even less willing to write down what I eat.
Then I realized a few things. One is I have been on a DIET. I lost some weight and regained it BECAUSE it was a diet. This week I worked on being MINDFUL again, instead of writing my food down. It’s harder to be mindful when you are writing down your food. You rely on the counting calories instead of just listening to your body. I’ve been just eating healthy and only when I’m hungry. I listened to how I felt emotionally and physically. Yesterday I woke up thinking about the day. I had a wedding to play my flute in, my husband wanted the whole family to clean the boat, and my daughter had a dance recital. When was I going to clean the house? I chose to take a walk with the dog and my coffee, I did a little scheduling for work, but not much. I did do dishes and laundry, but I let the house go. I may clean some today, or Monday, but I can only do so much. All of that was mindful and self care!
The other thing I realized is that I have to do this by myself. On my own. I have to work through this for me. He really can’t be part of it. If it makes him feel out of control, that’s his problem. That can’t be my problem. Today in church I realized that I can’t love him the way he needs to be loved until I love myself. I can’t care for him the way he wants to be cared for until I care for myself. He has a right to want me to look good, be healthy, be able to be active with him, be proud of me and the way I look. What man doesn’t want that from his wife? But he can’t make me be that. I do want that for him and for us, but I have to want it for me first and I have to get there in a healthy way or I’ll never stay there.”
Based on these revelations, I encouraged her to share how she felt with her husband. Here’s the note she wrote to him…followed by the note she wrote to me about how things went…
I can’t love you until I love myself.
I can’t be who you need me to be until I am who I need to be.
God said love your neighbor as you love yourself.
That’s impossible for me right now.
Please wait for me.
I commit to you to work this out.
I commit to do the work of tools, self care, emotional peace and freedom.
I will not diet, I will not count calories, I will not be on a food plan.
I will be mindful, I will ask myself what I need.
I will be present in my mind and in my body.
I will change the story I am living in.
“Ellen, I wanted you to know that our conversation went great. We talked on our trip to the lake. He really tried to understand where I was coming from. In fact, he purchased Geneen Roth’s new book because he knew I wanted to read it. He read it last week unbeknownst to me. He took notes so we could discuss it after I read it. He told me that he has been looking at his own heart and motives and really sees how I could feel that our situation is about we don’t move forward until I get skinny. It made me feel loved and cared for. I told him how much I appreciated that he bought and read the book and also how much I appreciated that he’s been looking at his own heart and movtives. Anyway, pretty cool, huh?”
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Ellen Shuman is a Life Coach who specializes in emotional and binge eating issues. She is the founder of A Weigh Out & Acoria Eating Disorder Treatment, Vice President of the Binge Eating Disorder Association (BEDA), and Co-Chair of the Academy for Eating Disorders Special Interest Group on “Health at Every Size”, ellen@aweighout.com [/private_membership circle]
