I was walking to my theater seat this past Sunday when I heard someone call my name. It was an old friend whom I had dropped like a hot potato about nine years ago. She had been a good friend for eleven years prior; someone I had cared about a great deal…someone who I believed cared about me, as well.
But I was in a bad space nine years ago; feeling particularly emotionally vulnerable. On two occasions in a row I had dinner with this person and left feeling hurt by something she’d said. All these years later, I still remember details of those perceived slights (funny how we don’t tend to remember all the good stuff that’s said to us ).
Thinking back to her comments now, I know I distorted what happened to fit how insecurely I was feeling at the time. Her comments were not really that big of a deal. But back then, whenever I felt hurt, rather than acknowledge my feelings and using my voice, I would simply push “the invisible button” and eliminate from my life anyone I thought had slighted me.
I learned this behavior as a child. Feelings were NEVER processed in my family. Conflict often lead to the end of relationships. [private_membership circle]My father’s parents did not speak to each other after they separated. After an argument between my father and my grandmother about a date for a weekend visit, we never heard from my grandmother again…EVER! I was seven years old the last time we saw her. When I was thirty two, I learned she had died. A therapist once asked me if I’d ever thought about reconnecting with her between age seven and thirty two. The thought never crossed my mind. My mother and father stopped speaking to each other the day they walked out of divorce court. I was fifteen at the time. So I guess it makes sense that dropping a close friend over a perceived slight seemed pretty normal to me.
Since conflict was to be avoided at all costs, it’s also no surprise that I grew up to be very skilled at using food thoughts and eating to stuff any feelings I didn’t wish to feel. Nine years ago I’m sure I binged over the loss of that friendship. Back then, emotional eating was still my primary tool for distress tolerance, whenever emotional intensity hit.
But on Sunday my old friend and I hugged in the aisle of the theater. I felt joy! We both said we’d love to reconnect. After the play we found each other in the lobby, hugged again, and exchanged business cards. Today I emailed and invited her to get together. It just feels right. I don’t know that she’ll say yes, or that the friendship will be rekindled. We’ll see. But that’s not really the point. The way I see it, maybe this was a chance meeting after nine years…or an opportunity for healing that I attracted because I was ready for it. (I passed her house the very night before the play on the way to a dinner party and was thinking about what happened nine years ago…and about the loss of her friendship. Amazing! You know what they say about “no accidents”.)
I now have an opportunity to be honest, to apologize and own my behavior. This is the way I choose to live my life today…it’s not always easy, but it sure beats pushing “the invisible button” and stuffing my feelings down with food.
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Ellen Shuman is a Life Coach who specializes in emotional and binge eating issues. She is the founder of A Weigh Out & Acoria Eating Disorder Treatment, Vice President of the Binge Eating Disorder Association (BEDA), and Co-Chair of the Academy for Eating Disorders Special Interest Group on “Health at Every Size”, ellen@aweighout.com
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