This post was written by Rachel; An A Weigh Out Circle Member…
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Recently, I’ve been noticing many magazine articles on the effects of getting healthy. People often write of their successes, or going down a size, their first 5k, or how they’ve learned to eat more veggies than before. Don’t get me wrong, not every article is about success but we often feel the urge to toot our horns for our healthful success. All of these succeses are fabulous! I am here to give big hugs and kisses and pats on the back to all of those people and their success stories!
However I live in another reality. In my reality, every day is not a healthy “success”. There are days where exercise plans are not met. Commitments to eat ‘only when hungry’ fall down the drain when the stress of a pending deadline, or a fight with my son, or a concern for my ailing mother send me to a chocolate trance-like state. After that experience I am fighting to remind myself I love myself, give myself a hug no matter what the choice is I made. I cannot HATE myself for my choices. I [private_membership circle]move on and learn to love myself and realize that I will always be here for myself. There is no reason to cast out my choices- they were made by me.
All of those affirmations said, there are side effects to living a less than healthy life. These come in the form of not sleeping well, feeling run down and the most challenging- a wardrobe that seems to have ‘shrunk’. In a time frame that seems like overnight jeans won’t close, breathing with closed trousers seems difficult and Spanx seem to be a way of life. In the past this physical message has always seemed like another way to beat myself up. Have you heard the messages in your head, ‘Well, it looks like you haven’t been taking care of yourself. So now your stuck- you are going to have to be uncomfortable in these tight clothes all day and every day until you finally shape up and start taking care of yourself!’ Not to be disrespectful to all of the ‘Biggest Loser’ fans out there but it feels a bit like Jillian has taken over a spot in my head- a very loud spot.
A couple of weeks ago when this voice appeared (amazingly out of the middle of nowhere when my wardrobe just ‘shrunk’!) I followed along in my usual zombie-like pattern- beating myself up and forcing my thighs into trousers that had clearly been made for lighter days. Why? Because I felt ashamed that I had reached this size (once again) and felt I didn’t deserve to be comfortable.
Earlier this week a thought struck me- OK, perhaps I have not been taking care of myself. Perhaps I am not listening to my mind when it wants to speak up about what ever is bugging me and instead I eat to hide from those thoughts. Perhaps I don’t want to love myself that day- I’ve been beating myself up for hiding from my thoughts and feelings as long as I can remember. It was a common practice and it’s become second nature so I continue down that common path. So? For that I should punish myself and make myself feel uncomfortable? NO WAY!
So on Thursday I headed out to shop with my 3 teenage children for the last of their back to school clothes. I find this experience can be draining and depressing. Why? Well they are depleting me of all my money! Seriously, I do set limits on what I will spend. But the stores they like all have annoying music (I remember my own mother complaining about the music I listened to at their ages), the stores all smell from too much teen cologne (If I could find the man (or woman) who invented Axe I believe I would kill them) and my children all fit into terrific clothing and look fantastic. There I am in my too tight trousers trying to breathe through Spanx. It’s no wonder I have a stomachache all day long and feel that I am unfit to look good. I’m starting to wonder if Stacy London is going to show up at my door.
Along the way through the shopping center I spied a woman’s clothing store that I absolutely love. I have purchased a lot of beautiful outfits there. Why shouldn’t I do the same today? The store doesn’t sell just one size- small. They can fit me- why shouldn’t I go in? So I did. I pulled 6 or 7 pairs of trousers off the racks and went into the dressing room. I was filled with apprehension. Would I just find myself beating myself up for trying on clothes and discovering they all fit poorly? I tried to think positively. I intentionally brought in clothing a size bigger than my current ‘corset-wear’.
As I tried on the trousers I found a typical problem that I always run into. Being built in what is supposed to be the perfect female form, I have a VERY hourglass figure. So typically trousers fall off my waist but are too snug in the hips. Nothing I tried on was looking very good. I was about ready to just walk out and go drown myself at the nearest Mrs. Fields when I came across a pair of jeans. Jeans can be the least forgiving but I thought I would give these a try- they were 95% cotton and 5% spandex. I slipped them on. I thought they must be mismarked- they felt great! Honestly, they felt like a pair of pajama pants! Have you ever put on jeans like that? They looked pretty good too.
I walked out of the dressing room and said to the attendant, ‘I LOVE these! Do you have them in any other colors?’ I was ready to make an entire wardrobe out of these jeans they made me feel so comfortable = good about myself. The woman eyed me and said, ‘Sure, but I think those are too big’. I thought she was nuts. She then explained to me that the jeans stretch and when she lets women buy them in a size that seems to fit in the store they find the jeans are falling off after a few washes. OK, now I really thought this woman was nuts but I let her get the smaller size- in 5 different colors.
Tentatively, I tried on the smaller pants. I fully expected my legs to feel like they were in sausage casings. Wonderfully they did not. They felt good- just like the larger pair. They still looked good, too- I was so happy! It’s amazing what clothes that fit can do for your day. I ended up with 3 pairs. I didn’t even care about the cost with how much better I felt. OK that isn’t totally true- but I did think the jeans were worth the money.
Now with comfortable jeans on I can spend more of my time noticing my thoughts and responding to them rather than focusing on my squashed belly and beating myself up for it!
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Ellen Shuman is a Life Coach who specializes in emotional and binge eating issues. She is the founder of A Weigh Out & Acoria Eating Disorder Treatment, Vice President of the Binge Eating Disorder Association (BEDA), and Co-Chair of the Academy for Eating Disorders Special Interest Group on “Health at Every Size”, ellen@aweighout.com [/private_membership circle]
