One of the things that strikes me when my clients walk through the door for the first time is how many of them think of themselves as untrustworthy. “If I’m left to my own devices, I would be lazy, binge all day, get nothing done, be mean or inappropriate with people, lose all my friends and my job…..” There is so often this sense that trusting their own heart, their own self, is tantamount to inviting disaster.
As we move along in therapy, one thing often becomes clear: for most of my clients, the problems began when they had to [private_membership circle] STOP listening to themselves. What we come to discover is that fairly early on in their lives, sometimes as far back as they can remember, listening to their own needs and desires was ill advised, maybe resulting in feeling unsafe, less loved or less valued. People begin to notice that very few of their current life choices are made by listening to themselves, but are in fact made by trying to please others. The “others” may be family, friends, the culture, a boss, a husband, wife, partner. Bottom line, their own needs, desires or hopes rarely factor into their behavior in the world. What we come to is this: listening to everyone BUT the self may in fact be the culprit.
I know that in my own recovery, learning to listen, and trust, my heart, mind and body was a slow process indeed, but the most important single thing in making lasting changes in my life. What I learned is that my voice actually has my very best interests at its core, and is not out to destroy me, or push me into bad decisions. Quite to the contrary, it is the one voice I really CAN trust.
One place to begin is this: Ask yourself: When I have really followed my heart, has it ever lead me to destruction? Does my true voice EVER ask me to binge, or do I binge (or make other bad decisions) when I ignore that voice? Try to pay attention to any time your heart and your actions are at odds with each other. What tells you when this is happening? Where do you feel it in your body? If you’re not sure, try imagining doing something that goes against a strong belief you hold. How do you feel? Guilty? Shameful? Anxious? Another kind of “dis-ease”?
We are actually wired to feel badly when we dishonor our truth. We need only to listen. It will guide us toward our best path, and the life we most want to lead. Be open to whatever you hear your heart say, even if you don’t follow it’s every need (which we can’t always do!). Try to just invite and listen, and see what happens!
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Amy Pershing LMSW, ACSW, Clinical Director, The Center for Eating Disorders, Director, Bodywise Binge Eating Recovery Program and The Bodywise Intensive www.thebodywiseprogram.com , Board Member, Binge Eating Disorder Association (BEDAonline.org)
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