We love this question because it goes to the heart of the difference between a diet versus a non-diet approach. Keep in mind that the core of every diet or food plan you’ve followed in the past is that you cannot be trusted to know when, what or how much to eat. Therefore, you were told what time of day to eat, what type of food to eat, and the portion sizes to consume. All of these rules and regulations reinforced the notion that you – and your hunger – are not to be trusted. After years of these messages, it makes sense that it will take some time to relearn to trust yourself.
When we work with women who are learning to become attuned/intuitive eaters, [private_membership circle]the amount of time it takes to regain that trust varies. You may find yourself excited by the idea that you can now eat exactly what you are hungry for when you are hungry. Or, the thought of relying on your own internal cues to decide when, what, and how much to eat may terrify you. In either case, it’s important to think of learning to trust yourself as a process that builds one eating experience at a time. Here is an example of a woman who was learning to trust herself by reconnecting with her internal, physical cues.
After years of dieting, Erica found herself turning to food so often that she rarely got hungry. Yet when she did, she reported uncomfortable sensations of headaches and crabbiness, indicating that she was waiting too long to feed herself. At this point, Erica was physically uncomfortable, and at risk of overeating; after all, when we become ravenous we feel so desperate that we will eat just about anything, and we will eat more of it than we need.
We helped Erica learn to check in with her stomach on a regular basis and to welcome her hunger by saying to herself, “This is terrific. I get to eat!” After so many years of feeling guilty and out of control with food, this became an opportunity to help Erica understand that she is entitled to eat, and that she can trust her body to tell her when it is time to eat. Erica found it useful to think of a young child who is hungry, understanding that she would never say to that little girl, “Too bad if you’re hungry. I’m not going to feed you.” Instead, Erica began to collect “stomach hunger” experiences in which she noticed her physical hunger and responded by eating. We instructed Erica to carry food with her when she would be away from home, and to bring it to her office so that if she got caught up in a project and did not want to stop, she could take care of her need to eat. Erica noticed that she became less focused on food, and the anxiety about whether she “should” or “shouldn’t” eat decreased as she was learning to listen to her body and had a reliable internal structure to guide her.
After so many years of deciding what to eat based on the rules diet rules and food plans – or eating in rebellion to those rules Erica was surprised when we asked her what she was hungry for. She had breakfast earlier in the day, but it was now 12:45, so we had asked her to check in with herself and see if she was hungry. She responded that she could feel some hunger, but didn’t have a clue what she wanted. Usually she ate whatever was in the house, or whatever was convenient. The idea that her body could guide her in her food selection was truly novel.
Most of us have had the experience where we have a craving for something, and know the wonderful feeling that comes when we actually get it. Many of us also know the feeling of wanting something to eat – but deciding we “shouldn’t” have it – and then eating something else. Often this is an unsatisfying experience that ultimately leads to overeating.
Erica knew exactly what we were talking about. She described an evening where all of her friends ordered pizza. She was being “good” that day, so she chose to have the salad as her dinner. She ate enough salad to feel full, but she never felt satisfied. Later that night she found herself bingeing on leftover pizza, yet it didn’t taste as good as it would have when she was truly hungry for it. Furthermore, because she was not hungry at the time, Erica ended up feeling physically uncomfortable.
Erica said that she did not have a specific craving and really did not know what she wanted for lunch. We asked her to think about whether she wanted something hot or cold, and she quickly responded, “Hot.” We then asked her if she wanted something mushy or crunchy, spicy, bland or salty, and as we narrowed down what would taste good to her and feel good in her body, she settled on Kung Pao Chicken with Noodles from a local Chinese restaurant.
Her next step was to order this dish and see if it was truly a good match. If she does end up feeling physically and psychologically satisfied from the food, she will strengthen her trust in herself and her ability to figure out what to eat in the future. If Erica finds that the match is not right, she can use it as a learning experience.
What would have made her lunch more satisfying? Perhaps the noodles were just right, but it would have felt better in her body to have an Italian pasta dish that contained cheese, rather than having the chicken. Or perhaps chicken was exactly the type of protein she needed, and it turns out that she would have preferred a grilled chicken sandwich. As long as Erica can refrain from judging herself for what she craves, she will begin to gather all kinds of eating experiences that will move her in the direction of knowing what she needs to eat at a particular moment.
Taking the judgment out of this process is key. Erica, like most people relearning to trust themselves, had a list of “forbidden” foods that she believed were not okay to eat. Part of the journey toward attuned eating is to realize – and become comfortable – with the idea that our bodies crave a wide variety of foods. We will frequently say that we have never met anyone who goes through this process and only wants to eat cookies, candy and ice cream – nor have we ever met anyone who only wants fruits, vegetables and salads.
As you give yourself permission to eat formerly forbidden foods, you are likely to eat more than you need. After all, these foods have been off limits for sometime, and it is exciting to be able to eat them again. What helps you slow down this overeating and get to the point that you eat, for example, a cookie only when you are hungry for a cookie, is the belief that they are not going to be taken away again. Scarcity makes us anxious, and abundance helps us feel calm. If you believe that the next diet is just around the corner, you will continue to overeat. If you prove to yourself that you mean business by keeping cookies available, you will find that you no longer need to eat them out of deprivation.
After several meetings, Erica told us that she had binged on ice cream prior to our first meeting because she was sure that we would be telling her that she shouldn’t eat ice cream. Now that she understands this philosophy, Erica reports that she has ice cream in her freezer at all times, and eats some when that is what she’s hungry for. She explains that in the evening she often wants something sweet and has discovered that eating ice cream when she wants a peach won’t satisfy her any more than eating a peach when she craves ice cream.
The final step in attuned eating is stopping when full. At the beginning of this process, there’s a good chance that you’ll eat until you feel stuffed. Erica began to notice these over-full feelings and to pay more attention. Like most people, at first she found it easier to recognize her signals for hunger than for fullness. She realized that when she made the right match in her food choice and felt satisfied, it was easier to stop. She also learned that if there was no physical signal to start – such as when she used food to deal with her boredom – then there was no signal to stop. Rather than yelling at herself for eating past fullness, she became more conscious of the way her body felt, and asked herself, “Is this okay with me?” Over time, as she embraced intuitive eating, Erica found it much less tolerable to eat past fullness. In fact, she understood, that the sooner she stopped eating, the sooner she would get hungry and could enjoy another satisfying eating experience.
Like Erica, you’ll need to embrace each eating experience as an opportunity to learn more about your hunger and satisfaction. You’re practicing a new relationship with food; think of each experience – whether you get it right or not – as a chance to learn something new. Stay open and curious, and let go of any perfectionist thinking that tells you if you overeat, it means that you can never be trusted again. Remember that on this journey, learning to trust yourself happens over time, one experience at a time. Cultivating this wisdom in the mind-body connection is well worth your precious energy.
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Eat well! Live well! Be well! Judith Matz and Ellen Frankel, are co-authors of The Diet Survivor’s Handbook, Beyond a Shadow of a Diet www.dietsurvivors.com Chicago Center for Overcoming Overeating: 847.267.1200
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