Whenever I experience a body trauma my judgment body is quick to criticize me. Boldly and loudly the voice shouts “HOW CAN A WOMAN WITH UNRESOLVED BODY ISSUES HELP ANOTHER; THIS IS THE BLIND LEADING THE BLIND.”
When my anxiety and fear pass I am able to connect to what I know is true. My awareness and experience of these feelings facilitate a deep knowing that allows me to inform others.
As a facilitator of healthier body awareness, image and connection I want to share my most recent body trauma with you now. In so doing, my intention is to invite the possibility that while we aspire to the absence of negative body feelings it is perhaps more realistic to accept that they will arise. When they arise we need the tools to manage them.
I embarked on a never-in-my lifetime opportunity for a big city shopping trip; a generous gift I was receiving. I had been projecting the nature of this event for months. My projections were actually a preoccupation with everything positive, good and fun. I felt like a fairy princess or perhaps a modern day Cinderella dancing into the stores and dressing in the fashions of the day.
That morning I woke with excitement and dressed in my best second hand and sale clothes. We were ushered into the exclusive boutique by a gentleman in a fancy suit, offered drinks and invited to look around. The garments were gorgeous; beautiful fabrics, creatively constructed with lovely adornments of buttons, belts, ruffles and the like.
They looked like runway clothes for models. You know the women about whom I refer…tall and barely there…or are they merely the photo-shopped images we are bombarded with in the media!
This was the easy part.
The sales consultant asked my size. I noticed the “number-on-the scale” reaction I used to experience when I weighed myself 20 plus years ago. Dreaded fear and embarrassment arose. My judgment body became activated as I put on the clothes they brought to me and had me stand on a platform with large mirrors and what felt like piercing lights from above as they all looked at me. I scrutinized my reflection and could only see the body that had always been difficult for me to accept. All of the judgment voices that emerged as a pre-teen were activated. I began to lose touch with the love and acceptance of my body that I have worked to foster. I quickly regressed to that insecure discouraged girl who struggled to live comfortably in her body.
Needless to say I did not purchase anything that day.
I slept a sleepless night as I did my best to breathe my practice of connecting to pleasurable body sensation. I allowed the grief and sadness to emerge. I became aware of [private_membership circle]what I needed and wanted. Though I still felt a physical and emotional shakiness, a plan of action emerged as I began to more clearly connect to what is true and real of my relationship with my body and myself.
This part of the story I am sure you readers will not believe, though I tell it with complete truth and sincerity. The next day on a chance stroll I looked up at a shop window and fell in love with a dress. When I put it on I knew this was the garment I wanted. My body lit up as I swished and swayed. I enjoyed the sensations of the sensual fabric against my skin. I was attracted to the color, the details and the cut. I experienced feelings of joy and pleasure. The feelings of yesterday were surprisingly and gratefully absent. I felt like a goddess. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
Here’s to discovering and connecting to your goddess 😉
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Robin Okun, LMSW, is a certified Nia Instructor, Movement Therapist, Center for Eating Disorders, Director of Mindful Movement Studio, Ann Arbor, MI, 734-395-2624, robinokun@gmail.com
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