“Your Mother looks better than I have seen her look in years!”
I’ve heard that a lot in the past year. I have to be honest. My first reaction is often irritation. Here’s why.
My Mother had a stroke in August of 2009 and another one in August of 2010. The first stroke had impact on my Mom’s ability to swallow and to eat. For several months she ate through a feeding tube that was surgically implanted into her stomach. Both [private_membership circle]strokes also damaged parts of the brian that affect expressive language. Today, at age 79, she is as sharp as ever, as clear headed as I am most days, but she can’t speak, read, or write…or even accurately communicate “yes” and “no” when asked a question, making communication unbelievably frustrating. Therapists call it being “locked in”. She’s still all there, but she just can’t express to us what she is thinking or feeling. Imagine being you, but suddenly not being able to tell anyone anything. It’s horrible!
Due to the eating issues, my Mom has lost about 40 pounds this past year. When her friends and family, most of whom have been regular visitors, call me and tell me how wonderful she looks, I wonder if they are seeing or thinking about anything other than “weight loss is good at any cost”. I wouldn’t have wished this method of weight loss on my worst enemy. It was the result of brain damage! (If right now you’re thinking, “Yea, but she lost 40 lbs!”, then it’s a good thing you’re reading this article.)
Recently, a client of mine told me a story about her friend who had just been through a terrible divorce. They attended a Yoga class together. The friend had not been to class in quite a while. When she returned to the class the instructor went on and on about how great this woman looked, complimenting her effusively about how much weight she had lost. The teacher knew nothing about the trauma of the divorce. My client was struck by the fact that while her friend look thinner, she also looked exhausted, sad, depressed, even haggard. But, apparently, all the instructor saw was weight loss…and weight loss in our world is often deemed a positive thing, without question, no matter how it happens.
Recently, I’ve been looking at the assumptions I make when I notice someone has lost weight. What assumptions do you make about weight loss? When you see someone who has lost weight, do you just assume it’s a good thing? Are you secretly or openly envious without knowing any of the circumstances behind the loss? What assumptions/judgments are you making about yourself based on weight loss… or lack thereof…?
(Explore this topic further with world renowned author, therapist, and advocate Dr. Margo Maine on December 15th, when we post our next TeleSeminar, “The Body Myth”.)
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Ellen Shuman is a Life Coach who specializes in emotional and binge eating issues. She is the founder of A Weigh Out & Acoria Eating Disorder Treatment, Vice President of the Binge Eating Disorder Association (BEDA), and Co-Chair of the Academy for Eating Disorders Special Interest Group on “Health at Every Size”, ellen@aweighout.com
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