It may be cliché by now to mention how unrealistic our culture’s standards for thinness have become – we’re all aware of skinny models who don’t represent what “real” women actually look like. Yet messages to be thin are often so insidious that you may not even realize how vulnerable you are to believing them. It takes a conscious effort to really think about what you’re hearing, and to decide if these messages are helpful to you. We’d like to share an example of a woman who is working hard to be more accepting of her body, and who was thrown for a loop by a comment from her colleague. [private_membership circle]
As the result of a recent surgery, Gretchen could only eat a very limited diet of soft foods for about 10 days. She felt hungry because it was challenging for her to satisfy her nutritional needs on such a diminished food plan. Furthermore, as the result of becoming an attuned/intuitive eater over the past several years, she really knew what it felt like to be satisfied by eating well throughout the day.
Gretchen explained her situation to a colleague who responded: “You’re so lucky you can’t eat. Think about all of the weight you’ll lose.”
Despite her work at ending the diet mentality, Gretchen responded, “If I would stop having so many milk shakes I might.”
What happened here? First, her colleague’s belief that Gretchen is “lucky” to be unable to eat much is a widely shared idea in our culture. We’ve all heard people say that they’re happy they can’t eat while sick because now they’ll lose weight. Yet we know of several people who were complimented on their weight loss, even though it was actually the result of cancer. It’s not uncommon for women to be told how lucky they are to be so thin, despite the fact that they have a serious eating disorder. Thinness is so admired in our culture that the reasons behind weight loss are often ignored.
Next, the comment made by her colleague triggered the part of Gretchen that wishes she could lose weight. Given the extreme focus on thinness in our culture as the way to be happy, attractive and successful, it’s challenging to feel comfortable with your body, no matter what your size. Even as Gretchen has ended the deprivation of dieting and moved toward becoming an attuned/intuitive eater, she struggles to make peace with accepting what is a natural weight for her. She is vulnerable to messages in the media and comments from others that support the mainstream view that anyone can lose weight if they really want to – despite the fact that research show 95% of people who lose weight will gain it back.
Finally, Gretchen was caught off guard by her colleague’s comment. She didn’t want to offend her colleague by disagreeing with her. So, instead, she joined with her by returning to a diet mentality and berating herself for drinking milkshakes. It was only in hindsight that Gretchen was able to reconsider her response and think about what would have felt more caretaking. She came up with the following response: Actually, I’m not feeling so lucky. I’m uncomfortable from my surgery, and I need to eat, so this is really hard for me.
Think about your own experiences. Notice whether your thoughts fall into the diet mentality category or the caretaking category – and how you might respond. Here are a few examples to show you what we mean:
You’re at your health club and a friend comes up to you and says, “You’re so good. I’ve seen you working out for the past few days. Have you lost a lot of weight yet?”
Diet Mentality Thoughts: I don’t know what’s the matter with me because I haven’t lost any weight yet – I don’t know why I bother to exercise at all.
Or: My exercise program is really working because I’ve lost some weight. In fact, I should really come to the gym more often so I can lose it faster.
Response to Friend: I really need to work out more so I can fit into a smaller size dress by this summer.
Caretaking Thoughts: Whether I lose some weight or not, it feels really good to move my body. I know I’ve gotten stronger and more flexible, and I’m improving my physical and mental well-being.
Response to Friend: I’m not focusing on how much I weigh. But it sure feels great to get into better shape!
You’re shopping with your friend and as she passes by a mirror, she comments, “I look so fat today.”
Diet Mentality Thoughts: Boy, if she feels fat, then I must be really huge.
Response to Friend: I know what you mean. We should really skip lunch today.
Caretaking Thoughts: Being large sure is tough in this culture. I’m sorry she feels so unhappy with herself, but I know that when I criticize myself, I just end up feeling worse. In fact, I’ve made sure to wear clothes I love and that fit well, which is really important to me.
Response to Friend: I’m sorry you feel that way.
You’re eating lunch with a group of friends. As dessert orders are placed, a couple of the women comment on how guilty they feel for having some cake, and that they’ll have to make up for it tomorrow.
Diet Mentality Thoughts: I shouldn’t be eating this either. It’s going to go straight to my hips.
Response to Friends: Starting tomorrow, I’m going to stop eating sweets too.
Caretaking Response: I need to think about whether I’m still hungry, and whether cake is a good match. If it is, I’ll have some.
Response to Friends: This really tastes delicious and it just hits the spot!
Or: Thanks, but no thanks. I’m full right now.
We hope you will continue to evaluate your thoughts as these issues come up in your life (and they will!) Remember that you have the option to join in the diet mentality thinking that dominates our culture – or to opt out. Instead, consider responses that reflect the words of a good caretaker. If you feel stuck, imagine yourself talking to a young child, and then turn that compassion toward yourself!
______________________________
Eat well! Live well! Be well! Judith Matz and Ellen Frankel, are co-authors of The Diet Survivor’s Handbook, Beyond a Shadow of a Diet www.dietsurvivors.com Chicago Center for Overcoming Overeating: 847.267.1200
[/private_membership circle]
